Cats: In short, you can’t trust them.
Perhaps that’s being a little too dismissive. Let’s dig in, like claws into a peacefully sleeping stomach, and contemplate cats.
Aesthetically: An animal made of angles; sleek, small, light on its feet. Their movements are so subtle that one doesn’t see them when they’re there, does see them when they’re not. Most have long graceful tails, but some have no tails at all. Colors vary: black, white, orange, Russian blue. A variety of patterns as well, each named: tabby, tortoise shell, ragdoll, Siamese.
(Oh, that Siamese… nothing is more untrustworthy than this pale-eyed creature that cries like a human child and performs Asian minstrel shows in Disney cartoons.)
Mythologically: Egyptian associations, primarily. Cat with a man’s head; woman with a cat’s head. Kitty mummies in photos in National Geographic. In Norse myth, the goddess Freya rides a chariot pulled by cats. One assumes she has no choice as to destination, arriving wherever there are birds, rodents, or open cans of tuna.
Culturally: One cat is just a friend, but three or more and you’re a crazy spinster. Cats are a load-bearing pillar of internet culture (other pillars include ninjas, Rick Astley, your base). They play keyboard, demand cheeseburgers, get trapped in bags. All without their approval, of course. Less internet savvy than grandpa, cats can’t even use AOL.
Personally: Love is a cold transaction to a cat. You are a source of food, warmth, a clean place to poop. If lap sitting and purring are the asking price, your cat will pay, but never pretend it wouldn’t eat you the very day you died. Cats tolerate people because we’ve bred them to, but tolerance isn’t love, and that cat looks at you with a predator’s eyes.
Cats: In short, you can’t trust them.
For a reply to this post, see “An Open Letter to the Very Cute Cat Who Tears My Garbage Bags Open.”
Mthologically: commonly believed in western europe to be thoroughly evil, given to sucking the breath out of babies–stealing vitality through magic.
Good point; I didn’t think of that one. There’s also a similar modern story, which may be an urban legend, that they sit on sleeping babies’ faces to suffocate them. I’m not going to do a search to find out if that’s really happened, because of the sad-and-horrific factor. I’d rather not know.
But anyway, as I said: You can’t trust them.
It has not. There was one reported instance of a baby found dead with the cat lying on top of it, but the autopsy revealed the baby died of SIDS.
It’s certainly not unheard of for babies to suffocate, but pillows or furniture are more likely to be the culprit than something alive that moves.
“There’s also a similar modern story, which may be an urban legend, that they sit on sleeping babies’ faces to suffocate them.”
Sorry, Jill, but my father’s entire family swears that this happened to him as a baby. When my grandmother found him, he wasn’t breathing. Of course, he survived. Hence, me.
“Cats are a load-bearing pillar of internet culture (other pillars include ninjas, Rick Astley, your base).”
That, sir, is a fantastic line. Well done.
Just stumbled upon this blog post and had to say… that although I am a cat lover (and live with two cats), I think your personal take on cats is spot on. Unfortunately I think the same could be said for most people. At least cats are soft…
I think the “cats kill babies” thing is pretty easy to explain if you own a cat and bother to observe its habits. Cats like to be in confined spaces like boxes, bags, box spring mattresses etc. so a crib is a really awesome place to hang out. Not only that, but it’s full of soft places meant for comfort. On top of that there’s this really warm soft thing in the corner that makes a great water bottle… until is stops breathing. Cats generally don’t take Biology.
[...] us. Likewise, teasing is an art to be admired. But then again, too many people think they are cunning teases, when they’re really just making us wait for something not worth the [...]
[...] of the brightest yellow, before being swiftly consumed, digested, and excreted from the behind of an ill cat into a perforated little sack. Steep that in hot water, sip, and what do you get? Gagging; [...]
[...] taxidermy is the practice of creating stuffed animals that have no real, live counterparts out of the corpses of animals that have real, live [...]
[...] as folk who are engaged in the world at large have an upsetting tendency to deck their children, pets, and messenger bags with political slogans. These accessories are troubling because they usually [...]
I love cats. That is such a great picture of one. My cats also wink at times. Cats are amazing animals. My cat once did a backflip off of our third step on our stairs! They are loving, tender, and cuddly. The Egyptians were smart to have them as pets.
[...] « #9 – ESPN #11 – Cats [...]
[...] as folk who are engaged in the world at large have an upsetting tendency to deck their children, pets, and messenger bags with political slogans. These accessories are troubling because they usually [...]
[...] A piece on cats (the creature, not the hit Broadway musical) on 300 Reviews. I quite enjoy the 300 word limitation, and this is a piece I’m still really proud of. Full disclosure: I’m allergic to cats. [...]
whatever, cats can love. i’ve experienced it personally. they can dislike certain people, and love others. i’m even a dog person and i know this. cats can love you. period, paragraph.
[...] of the brightest yellow, before being swiftly consumed, digested, and excreted from the behind of an ill cat into a perforated little sack. Steep that in hot water, sip, and what do you get? Gagging; [...]
[...] Original Post: #11 – Cats [...]