Man, I love tea. In a boozy fit of brewpraise, my friend Finlay and I recently half-formulated the Tealeological Argument; a pseudo-theological proof, taking as its central premise the unquestionably divine contrivance of the marriage betwixt tea and toast. Certainly silliness, but borne of a love I once thought unconditional.
Whether peppermint or rooibos, green or just plain breakfast, I drink the teas I do because they taste good. Some take a little getting used to, but then so do cheese and grindcore, and where would we be without those? An existence free from high-cholesterol nightmares and astringent blastbeats would perhaps be healthier, but what manner of gurning numbskulls would find worth in such a cheating dilution of the senses? Sadly, those at Tetley.
Man, but I hate this tea. The smell alone presents a sorry narrative. An ugly, light-starved moth is squished suddenly between two Lemon Fresh urinal cakes of the brightest yellow, before being swiftly consumed, digested, and excreted from the behind of an ill cat into a perforated little sack. Steep that in hot water, sip, and what do you get? Gagging; disgraceful and ungentlemanly gagging.
As if the taste wasn’t bad enough, the whole idea is just so freaking dumb. Adding artificial lemon flavor to an already poor-quality green tea is as brilliant and effective an effort as swallowing a blob of toothpaste to freshen one’s breath. Associating the stuff with good health, ‘Zen monks’ and stress relief only maddens me further. So although it tastes like pollution, choking down this horrid sputum will allegedly revitalize my spiritual well-being, and make me totally, like, thin! Well, maybe only in combination with a daily play of the ‘Yoga Game’ on the Tetley website…
Pray reader, be ye not enticed by antioxidant claims, for ‘tis a wretched brew.
For a reply to this post, see “Sleepytime Tea.”
[...] now, and now here is your train leaving you behind, and you are watching it. Think penance; think detox tea; think reconciliation. You think you need to get your life back on [...]
OP: I might be slow (lord knows I have been told lol) but that made absolutely no sense what so ever…
What exactly did you find confusing, Rejser?
[...] all teas are created equal. Take Tetley’s Green Tea with Lemon, whose taste is described as “an ugly light starved moth … excreted from the behind of an [...]
Well writtten and easy to read. Thought it was great.